To Lose The Gray

Why is it that I am so captivated by being financially organized? It’s like there’s some weird magnetic attraction keeping my attention sub-consciously. I don’t want to put so much emphasis on money and bills and deadlines and savings and investments and budgeting. I don’t want to at all; these things all have power over me. I let these things control my mood, get the best of me and come in between my relationship. So am I wired this way or is it something I can draw back from?

I write a budget down on paper atleast 4 times a month. I make spreadsheets that I only use once. I track my bank account like a bear hunter. Yet it still comes down that I’m micro-managing myself and not letting go. The fact is; if I use the plastic the amounts will go down. So why is it that even though on days I know I didn’t use any money, I still feel the need to get logged onto that infamous bank statement and double, triple check things. It has become an obsession to me, a way to feel better and more confident about way my life is seemingly going and the financial decisions I am making- but why?

So am I wired this way or is it something I can begin to control?

First, I stumbled across the concept of “paying myself.” I actually receive a percentage of my own paycheck. How does that make sense… your paycheck is already your money isn’t it? Not usually. I am always baffled after payday; I get paid and within 3 days my paycheck has dwindled to a 10th of its original size… what?!

Landlords, car loans, student loans, phone bills, car insurance, gas, groceries, cable & electric bills- every one of these entities sucking the green straight out of my wallet. Perhaps it’s this concept that motivates me to live off the grid someday, allowing no company to become my own personal money leach. These things add up so quickly that I feel if I don’t re-budget every month (or even every 2 weeks because I am compulsive) things will all be a lost cause and go to hell.

So I decide to pay myself, let’s say 10% every 1st paycheck and 5% every second paycheck. If I automatically set this up with my bank then who’s to stop it. it will be like it was never there to begin with. Yes, PAY MYSELF- this will be the sole reason for having a Savings account. Whatever I have left over from a pay period I will split up HALF of it into my New Car, Tiny House & Future Farm Accounts! How do I make these my mission statements? How do I live by these? Will it cut down on my OCD and anxiety?

One of my friends used to make me so angry the way he would “not care” about things, brush things off and not stress things that were important. I used to resent him for it. But I now envy him for it. To him everything, everything, simply is what it is. The things we cannot change in life do not bother him- things are simple, things are black and white. Because truthfully WE are the only cause of “gray.” Seeing gray in a situation comes from our analyzing not the truth in the situation. So this is my mission statement: Lose the gray, everything IS what it IS.

I will have to learn how to apply my statement to all aspects of my life (especially my money), stop analyzing and see the BLACK and WHITE of things.

Things are or they aren’t.

It’s yes or no.

It’s do it or don’t do it.

Believe it or don’t.

There’s a solution and a challenge.

Think simply. Think simply. Think simply.


One response to “To Lose The Gray

  1. Money means security to most of us.
    It sounds like you might be stressing about accidently using the money you need for essentials.
    Have you considered the following. A bills account. you work out your monthly standing orders and direct debits and pay that amount in every month.
    Seperate from your general joint? account
    Secondly you could bring in a anything over 100 dollars? pounds? we discuss it before buying rule. each of you could have a petty cash account for inccidentals.
    I would be stressed about Money if me and my husband were not cut from the same cloth when it comes to finances. That would be stressful.
    You are not alone. Money is quoted as the biggest trigger for fights between couples. its wrapped up in love and self worth and percieved worth.. murky waters indeed.
    Your money needs to be working for you not the other way round.
    There must be ways for you to feel in control but not OCD.

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