To Feel the Insanities

I feel insanity clawing its way back into my life, this is something I thought I had long since left behind. One simple action will send my mind into a thralling rage. A woman slowly, very slowly making her way through a self-checkout. Someone taking their time parking- while I’m stuck waiting to leave. Yesterday, I actually became enraged over someone who came to a complete stop at a stop sign… So, insanity ensues. I don’t want this again.

Five years ago I felt the wrath of this insanity take hold of my thoughts  emotions, actions and words. I let it rule my relationships and begin to control what I thought I had control of. It is pure rage. How my emotions can go from 0 to 60 in less than 5 minutes I am oblivious- but I wish, to no end, that I could learn to control it. I become irate  I lose my temper. I throw, slam, punch and scream my way through nearly an hour before I can take a breath and realize I am being ridiculous. I don’t want this again.

I remember driving to school my senior year (in the midst of my angst, rage, depression  whatever you want to dub it) I was fine. Driving like a normal morning, sure I was not happy in general- but my CD player started skipping and was eating the CD. I screamed every curse, every explicit- every nasty combination of words one could manage to bind. I punched my dashboard repeatedly  over and over again. I swerved off the road into a marshy ditch. I took a breath and looked up. Between the broken medallion I loved so much, the cracked dashboard and my bloody fist (not to mention looking up and seeing my truck in a ditch) I knew I had lost it. I don’t want this again.

Yesterday, I felt a pang of this angst. As I squealed my tires to get out of a parking lot, blew a stop sign and went 60 in a 35- I pulled into my driveway. I was physically out of breath. My hands shaking, my heart throbbing out of my chest. I look up, I know that I’m losing it. I don’t want this again.

I tend to blame these insanities on the imbalance in my brain. This terror I was in three years ago seemed to be subdued with anti anxiety and anti-depression medication. Match that with 1 year of intensive therapy: I had dubbed myself a new person. Yet now, three years future, I feel myself slipping. I went on and off of those medications too many times (unknown to the Doctor, who will always say, you must ween yourself- it will have side effects if you don’t) Is this a side effect? Is it rage I must now deal with because I have an imbalance? Do I feel happy, sad, angry, irate, depressed, hopeful, dreadful, fearful and lost in the matter of 5 minutes because I am human or because I have tousled my brain chemicals? I don’t want this again.

Things aren’t exactly, looking up. Though last night, post-rage, I made the executive decision to see my doctor again. I am worried, am I causing problems that aren’t there? Am I breaking my cardinal rule; seeing all of the gray, no focusing on the black and white? I have let stressors seep into my thoughts and dig their claws at my sanity. Here I sit, analyzing, adjusting and playing scenarios in my head to pass time; do I go back on medication to calm my nerves- or do I learn to control it. How much control can I have over a chemical imbalance? I just feel lost over what I should do, but this can’t happen again. I don’t want this again.

I want sanity, clarity and independence from angst.

I seek total control and operation of my thoughts.

I need to release the grip of things not in my control.

I decide my fate. I decide my attitude.

I think today, I pray to a higher power that I will gain these things. Or be granted an opportunity to utilize or try developing these skills. I can’t pretend to be in control forever. What better time to try then now. I must learn to lose the gray. I seek only the black and white. I seek clarity. This won’t happen again.


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