To Pursue Happiness

Today I hold sadness. There’s a certain funk that rolls around like a plague. I catch it, I heal it; I catch it, I heal it. No one controls my mood but me- no one controls my outlook & attitude, but me. Then someone tell me why I am feeling so out of control. Why can’t I tell myself, this is what’s right, right now. You’ll do what you want soon enough. You’ll be who you want to be. I can’t let the cube define me- but it is. It’s sucking the life out of me, and cheating my time. Though I think… 35 hours a week out of 168: It’s not even that bad. Let’s see I sleep 56 hours… work 35… You’d think the left over 77 would be enough for me. It’s not. So far it has been an absurd amount of time for me to settle with.

Get out, get out, get out. It’s running through my head like they’re the last words I’ll ever mutter. My heart beats faster thinking I’ve got 7 hours left in this chair- it’s nearly deafening. Thumping into my ear drums and wavering my palms. I already know I’m unhappy- point and match; do I accept it and learn to live with it, or change it and be unrealistic?

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Though mildly upset, I settle into my rain boots for a weekend of wool socks and puddle jumping. I could hardly open the blinds knowing what the world looked like on the other side. So much of that grey I long to forget. The trickle of droplets seems unusually agitating; I love this weather- what’s making it unbearable? Is it the mere fact that my mind distances itself so far from Monday morning I forget how to put energy into the present moment? That must be it. I’ll settle for a homemade recycling center.

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I promised Caramel Apple Tales.. here you have them.

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We chose to use Kraft Caramels, rather then making the caramel like my previous recipe listing had called for. Note: Trust the package to number of apple ratio given on packages =] Or be stuck with 7 extra bags!

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Gala, Honeycrisp & Granny Smith; All relatively tart & crisp!

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Cakepop sticks- I worried whether they would hold, worked like a charm.

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Roll in your caramel- it’s suggested to wait 30-45 seconds before rolling in toppings. If too runny and hot still the toppings may slide off… but then, who wouldn’t want a chocolate/caramel/walnut disc =]

If you’re going to do melt chocolate put your apple in the fridge before wrapping… in fact, put them all in the fridge before wrapping, it will cut down on stick-age!

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The Finished Product!

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To Come Tomorrow…. Gluten Free Basil/Oregano Personal Pizzas!

“I will accept and change the way I think, I will put less pressure on myself to fit a mold, I will see myself as an individual and have faith that all will mend with time. While accepting the year of the cubicle, I will seek opportunities to grow. I will decide steps to be taken next and plan on the pursuit of happiness.” 

Oct. 15, 2012

 

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To Define Who You Are

Happy Almost Friday-day… Which leaves me sitting in a cubicle trying to either stay awake or looking forward to my next trip to the vending machine (what a drag these are my daily highlights). Where are my fields to culture, my fruit to sew, my land to stand on- pitchfork in hand I’ll command my earth chunk- With you I shall create! With you I shall grow! With you I shall feed! The timeline for evolving into myself seems light-years away…

A seemingly simple task at hand. Define yourself. Not in 3 words, not using specific words, it’s open. You can use as many words as you want. What does your definition entail? At one point in my life the only definition I had for myself was through another person. I defined  myself as that person. I had no single identity nor did I understand the importance of defining yourself.

Think about it, again, seems simple. I challenge you to sit down and truly think or write out what defines you, what turns your thoughts into actions, what makes you tick. Where does your motivation come from? What drives you to be better? What is it, What is it?!

Personally I have been fortunate enough to move on from a place in my life that was dark, drab and unwelcoming in every definition of the word. I had no identity, I had allowed someone to take that away from me. I couldn’t even hold them responsible, I had no one to blame but myself. What point does a person need to hit before they turn away? Rock bottom, that’s where. I am blessed to have struggled with my identity. It forced me to define myself- now when I say define myself, this is a gradual conclusion not some outlandish, sun-on-my-sweet-cheeks epiphany, “I KNOW WHO I AM NOW.” No.

It’s taken years of work, but I have a relatively steady grasp on reality and who I am-  a feat.`The motivation to move forward in life has also fueled a motivation to dig deeper within myself. My mind is screaming I WANT TO MOVE MOUNTAINS. Keep in mind, friend, you are only one person… I tell myself this with frustration.  Part of what I want to define myself as is a teacher. More importantly for my family, they need to know how I feel about my passions- and why they’re important. That’s just it: I want to save everybody. (Whether or not they need saving) Pump the brakes child, you’ve got to start somewhere.

So begins my dream, I need to start some kind of outreach mission. We joked at dinner last night that everyone should have to serve two years in a restaurant & two years on a farm. For any of you who have worked in either of those fields: if that happened? That would move mountains. If there were I could do to show people the importance and power our food can provide for us, the importance of farmers and knowing where your food comes from and how it’s grown. If I could share with the world why it makes sense to live in houses made from recycled tires and plastered pop cans, if they knew that you don’t need 180 acres to provide nourishment for your family. If they knew why it was sensible to pee in a hole rather than waste nearly 3 gallons every time you flush a toilet and cook meals using earths long forgotten FLAME. I could go on, but I’m getting antsy and typing louder to get my point across is not effective (and it’s providing me with lovely stares as people walk past my cubicle.

PS…http://ga.water.usgs.gov/edu/sq3.html Fun website to estimate how much water you’re wasting =]

So Let’s Recap:

  • Grow your own food
  • Pee in a hole
  • Shower in the well
  • Cook in a fire
  • Sleep with the earth

To Create Solace Among The Mind of a Wanderer

Here I am. Four o’clock, your average Wednesday, staring mindlessly at a cubicle wall and thumbing around on a machine hardly worthy of calling itself a computer. I’m stuck trying to figure out which direction I choose; do I run head first for the door, out the door? Do I stand my ground and accept that I’ve made a life for myself, though seemingly dull, passive and oddly frustrating at times, it is what I’ve become?

In years to come, I know I will tell myself it was all worth it. The days at work slamming my numb fingertips against an off-colored keyboard, avoiding phone calls and with all resistance, trying to ignore pleas from my distracted mind to, as eloquently as I can say it, abort the whole damn mission. My mission (as revisited from a 19-year-old me): finish college, graduate, do social work, live happily ever after. If ever I were so brave as to question myself now? My mission (as visited by a more “figured out, hypothetical” version of myself): to live naturally, to stand firmly against the values that my parents, their parents and their parents’ parents were braced to. And in my journey, I will come to appreciate what the earth can offer, what the physical land can offer. It’s offerings brought to the mind, soul and body are seemingly endless. It cures ailments produced by our own human nature- the need for nourishment, laughter and to be full. The ways of healing, living, growing and least I forget prospering will show me how to live alive. Living humbly and simply will be my goal, while living self-sufficiently will be a close second.

While this mature, learned clone of myself prospers from the warmth of knowledge and wisdom, I on the other hand will furrow my brow, stick my heels in the dirt, flex every muscle physically possible by voluntary control and sludge through the muck that I’ve landed in. Making vows to my future self to find solace when my mind seems adamant on backing out. So begins the year of the challenge; Standing Among Society when I wish to Stand Among the Earth.